When the Smoke Settles

You ever just sit and think about almost everything that you have been through in your lifetime?

Some occurrences more prominent than others..

Some people left a print in your mind that you just can't erase and some that just left such a bad taste that you almost gag at the thought of them or more so the situation?

Yea me too.

It's interesting isn't it? People come and go, touch your life in some way, for whatever the reason may be, then they leave..sometimes they stay.

I find myself in an interesting space that almost a year ago now I would've NEVER seen coming...but of course not..I can't see into the future.

Mind of matter is WAY easier said than done.

I mean someone hurts you....MIND OVER MATTER, right?

Wrong..MY OPINION.


Yes, you can try to psych yourself out but eventually you have to settle yourself, your nerves... you are still left with your thoughts,when all the smoke settles.

Which is why I write..

Sometimes writing doesn't even help me release the thoughts that overtake me.

Everything comes together in due time....

Clarity is key!

Nothing is Different.

I don't even know where to begin it's like the past few days have been blended together..very well mixed in.
I'm Feeling like a mouse in a maze with no way to escape.
I don't understand these occurrences, I just want to be oblivious if even for a few seconds.
Short end of the stick, seems like all the time.
Trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but what am I trying discover?
What am I trying to find?
Actions are backwards, words have disappeared. My eyes stare in awe of the confusion of this emotional reel, that keeps showing bits and pieces of unwanted thrills.
I cannot continue to allow things to happen like this.
I have feelings, regardless of whether it is noticed, which it seems like it isn't in a sense. The way I feel is not taking the backseat to the front seat of your actions.
Clearly, there is a problem with with your verbal expression.
It's hella lackin'.
I'm no longer pleading my case I'm starting to experience a shortness in my breath and I cannot afford to lose my place.
Found a little corner of peace and within in seconds its being interrupted.
Inhaler please.
exhaling you.
Inhaling my lost peace.
Damn is this loudspeaker on "ahem"
I'm through.

F.Y.I

Don't throw no bait n the water if u can't handle the bite. Sweetie don't let the pretty face fool ya imma undercover baracutta.
Say some shit to me I don't like u better believe I'll chew ya ego up n just one bite
Don't need any boys n my ring only men that can handle me.
Don't use ya lame audacity to try n step to me
U n my waters now boo I go for the main veins I thought u knew
I can be a real sweetheart but push the wrong button and I'll have you falkin like a retard walkin like u rejectin and have ur heart palputatin
Umm now what were u sayin?
Oh. Ya. Nuthin of any substance.
I refuse to be a prisoner of ur immature nonsense.

Oh Yea Im Doin Me

I've realized that I can be really concerned with my image. There have been times when I was literally worried (like agonizingly worried) about what someone thought of me and said to or about me - I was really into the opinions of others. The thing is no matter what they said or thought I wouldn't agree - "She thinks I'm nice, she just don't know." "How are y'all going to say I'm dramatic?" "He thinks I'm a bitch, CLEARLY he doesn't know me." The point is these opinions; comments, questions and concerns really don't matter because at the end of the day, these opinions are just that - a belief or judgment with no proof.

 

I was giving the world WAY too much authority in who I'd be or what I'd do or how I'd react to situations. My definition of myself was coming from these random thoughts that people (including myself at times) held, that were just not enough to "define" me - I'm way too big to define. Yes, sometimes I'm silly, nice, (too nice) accommodating, too compromising, selfish, lazy, on point, over analytical, too sensitive, not concerned enough, vain, kindhearted, opinionated, bitchy, junky, super anal, loving, emotional, withdrawn, sharing, giving, crazy sexy cool, judgmental ... you get the point. I can be a lot of things at any given time but those qualities are not ME.
 

 

There is no person, word or quality that defines - which means to set forth the meaning of or identify the essential qualities of - Raina. I am simply who I am and that realization has made the last couple of days..well weeks for that matter so much easier to handle. Instead of living up to some definition, I'm simple doing ME - whatever it is at the moment.
 
 

MY HOOD

It’s funny how
Niggas always talking bout
‘they hood’ like
“Man, This is MY HOOD”
Is that so?
I mean, hmmmm
When did your hood get put on the market and go into escrow?
And if so when did you start saving up money or investing?
And what bank gave you a few thousand dollars in loans?
It IS YOUR hood RIGHT?
SO that does mean YOU own it!?
Or are you just renting the street while its convenient?
So what job experience did you put down on your loan app?
(..to give the white man plausible reason to cover ya back)
Umm hustling from dusk till dawn?
Slangin that crack?
But yet I still don’t see your name on a street sign or a good fica score!
Oh! But yea I forgot it’s YOUR hood though!
Just cuz your gang’s name is spray painted on every other wall and door?
How can you claim the block is yours when you can’t afford, or better yet, you don’t even own the place you living in? Let alone the car you drivin.
Dude, everybody knows them 20’s is rented.
I see you got the incognito thang going on, hella pretending.
What you think you gonna lose by at least getting some minimal education?
And by minimal, I mean at least get ya GED crackin
Droppin outta school in the 10th grade is only gonna get you in out the pin and eventually locked up for 5 to 10..
Ha the devil is a bitch…keep this nonsense up he’s gonna eventually lock the score in and get that major win!

TBC

What a Morning!

So today I woke up extremely tired; Dreading getting up to go take a
drug test for this job. Got up etc etc. Dressed. Good to go,right?!
Wrong!!! I unwrap my hair, my too cute hair due. I decide instead of
wearing it straight like I usually do that I would give it some life
and add a little flip to it. In the process I burnt out a few inches of
it. Yes, i burnt out my hair! I heard a sizzle. Sounds similar to a
Rice Krispie commercial. "SNAP,CRACKLE, and POP". But minus the pop
part, more so a crunch noise! A loud one at that!

I rolled my eyes and said "Lord!! Help me!" the devil is tryna get to me!" (That has been
my mantra since.) I said well at least it's short and in the process
of growing back instead of long like it was. If it were, I would have
been more pissed off than I am at the moment. I then decided to do a
minor wardrobe change. I wanted to add some color to my primarily
beige and brown outfit by adding a turquoise afghan wrap. It was
cute. Lively! The perfect addition and matched my toe nail polish. A
hole! Not a freakin hole!! Of course! No where other than right under
the armpit! Why? And I just took the tag off 5 minutes prior to
putting it on! So much for my splash of color.

I then begin to make my way out the house to only remember I'm
forgetting the address to the place I'm going. I stopped and thought
about it. "well I programmed the directions in my phone already". Then
on the other hand my sense of direction is shit. I thought again.
"Well what if I do get lost, the telephone number is on the paper".
Thoughts processed through my already frazzled, confused, and
irritated mind. I turned around and went back to my room and grabbed
the paper. On my way out the house for the second time. I step outside
into the garage, noticed the light had been on all night. "If dad had
known that he would've raised a ruckus!" I opened the door and put my
purse and papers on the seat then turned the car on so it could warm
up. I threw some trash away and thought about bringing the trashcans
in then decided not to. 'On the way back home this afternoon I will',
I thought to myself.

I get in the car and decide to put some lotion on my arms. I
absolutely love the smell of 'Moonlight Path'. It's my car lotion I
never take it out. I attempt to squeeze the bottle. There is barely
anything in it. Splat! Into my hands the cold purple lotion goes into
my hand. Then I look down and notice a dot on my beige suede like
pants! Everything I say at this point is to myself. I've become to
frustrated to speak aloud. "Cleaners here I come. I have some things to
pick up anyway so that works out perfectly. I wiped it off, took a
deep breath, and out loud I softly spoke the words "Lord help me!! The
devil is tryna get to me". I turned the heat on and proceeded to my
destination. No traffic. Yay me! A park right in front of the
building. Turned the car off and sat for a few minutes. "Lord, Thank
you for getting me here safely", I said to myself.

Quick appointment in and out, and on the way back home within 30 mins.
So in the process I'm talking to three of my very good friends about a situation that has been bugging me. I was ready to leave well enough alone, but for the sake of my own curiosity and validation I decided to get conformation straight from the horses mouth. I already pretty much knew the answer, but like i said..validation was needed. I must say the response that I received somewhat had my in mind confused mode. Somewhat like i was seeing stars just with the exception of the knock out part.

Luckily, and for that person's sake, I didn't have the energy to go completely bonkers or anywhere close to it. The fact of the matter is thankfully another chapter to the book of 2009 was closed before the New Year entered. YAY ME!

I must say 2009 brought plenty of tears, but out of the tears brought extremely good works of poetry! Everything that I've experienced through this past year in someway or another has made me a stronger person. Several people have told me that there is a light that shines in me. This year I'm breaking the chains of fear and letting the light shine with God on my side. I will re-emphasize the fact that even though things may seem bad someone will always have it worse. So I thank God for the good, bad, and the ugly. I'm alive, breathing, have use of all my limbs, senses, can feel emotions, and have wonderful talents that I will put into better use this year.

I have no resolutions and don't intend on making any. Reason being, its just more things to attempt to do. Why not just cross out things on my list already?! I'm just going to accomplish what I already have underway. Sounds good to me!

HAPPY 2010!

Just one of those days..

The pain of being afraid that you're going to get hurt is much greater than opening up and risking it.

SOOOO the last couple of days...literally yesterday and today have been somewhat blah...I've gotten things accomplished had some me time, but the little things in between that seem to nip and tug at my heartstrings and emotions have been doing a great job of doing so. I can't say why I have let certain things get to me but they have. I guess days like this everyone experiences, I usually just do a better job of not letting things effect me, but for some reason those little things have seemed abnormally bigger. So when I woke up from my nap this afternoon, I called a friend of mine and had a nice conversation. She pretty much told me that i need to focus on me more, I give too much of myself to people who don't really care in return.

There was truth in all that she was telling me. It's in my nature to care, and give, help, and be there for others, etc but at this point in time, I need to take a step back and re evaluate people in my life and in the process of evaluating how much of myself I give. I'm emotionally depleted...and that is tiring.. So with that being said I'm being selfish with me for a while..

That's all! Enjoy this rainy 'stormy' evening.