When the Smoke Settles

You ever just sit and think about almost everything that you have been through in your lifetime?

Some occurrences more prominent than others..

Some people left a print in your mind that you just can't erase and some that just left such a bad taste that you almost gag at the thought of them or more so the situation?

Yea me too.

It's interesting isn't it? People come and go, touch your life in some way, for whatever the reason may be, then they leave..sometimes they stay.

I find myself in an interesting space that almost a year ago now I would've NEVER seen coming...but of course not..I can't see into the future.

Mind of matter is WAY easier said than done.

I mean someone hurts you....MIND OVER MATTER, right?

Wrong..MY OPINION.


Yes, you can try to psych yourself out but eventually you have to settle yourself, your nerves... you are still left with your thoughts,when all the smoke settles.

Which is why I write..

Sometimes writing doesn't even help me release the thoughts that overtake me.

Everything comes together in due time....

Clarity is key!

Nothing is Different.

I don't even know where to begin it's like the past few days have been blended together..very well mixed in.
I'm Feeling like a mouse in a maze with no way to escape.
I don't understand these occurrences, I just want to be oblivious if even for a few seconds.
Short end of the stick, seems like all the time.
Trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but what am I trying discover?
What am I trying to find?
Actions are backwards, words have disappeared. My eyes stare in awe of the confusion of this emotional reel, that keeps showing bits and pieces of unwanted thrills.
I cannot continue to allow things to happen like this.
I have feelings, regardless of whether it is noticed, which it seems like it isn't in a sense. The way I feel is not taking the backseat to the front seat of your actions.
Clearly, there is a problem with with your verbal expression.
It's hella lackin'.
I'm no longer pleading my case I'm starting to experience a shortness in my breath and I cannot afford to lose my place.
Found a little corner of peace and within in seconds its being interrupted.
Inhaler please.
exhaling you.
Inhaling my lost peace.
Damn is this loudspeaker on "ahem"
I'm through.

F.Y.I

Don't throw no bait n the water if u can't handle the bite. Sweetie don't let the pretty face fool ya imma undercover baracutta.
Say some shit to me I don't like u better believe I'll chew ya ego up n just one bite
Don't need any boys n my ring only men that can handle me.
Don't use ya lame audacity to try n step to me
U n my waters now boo I go for the main veins I thought u knew
I can be a real sweetheart but push the wrong button and I'll have you falkin like a retard walkin like u rejectin and have ur heart palputatin
Umm now what were u sayin?
Oh. Ya. Nuthin of any substance.
I refuse to be a prisoner of ur immature nonsense.

Oh Yea Im Doin Me

I've realized that I can be really concerned with my image. There have been times when I was literally worried (like agonizingly worried) about what someone thought of me and said to or about me - I was really into the opinions of others. The thing is no matter what they said or thought I wouldn't agree - "She thinks I'm nice, she just don't know." "How are y'all going to say I'm dramatic?" "He thinks I'm a bitch, CLEARLY he doesn't know me." The point is these opinions; comments, questions and concerns really don't matter because at the end of the day, these opinions are just that - a belief or judgment with no proof.

 

I was giving the world WAY too much authority in who I'd be or what I'd do or how I'd react to situations. My definition of myself was coming from these random thoughts that people (including myself at times) held, that were just not enough to "define" me - I'm way too big to define. Yes, sometimes I'm silly, nice, (too nice) accommodating, too compromising, selfish, lazy, on point, over analytical, too sensitive, not concerned enough, vain, kindhearted, opinionated, bitchy, junky, super anal, loving, emotional, withdrawn, sharing, giving, crazy sexy cool, judgmental ... you get the point. I can be a lot of things at any given time but those qualities are not ME.
 

 

There is no person, word or quality that defines - which means to set forth the meaning of or identify the essential qualities of - Raina. I am simply who I am and that realization has made the last couple of days..well weeks for that matter so much easier to handle. Instead of living up to some definition, I'm simple doing ME - whatever it is at the moment.
 
 

MY HOOD

It’s funny how
Niggas always talking bout
‘they hood’ like
“Man, This is MY HOOD”
Is that so?
I mean, hmmmm
When did your hood get put on the market and go into escrow?
And if so when did you start saving up money or investing?
And what bank gave you a few thousand dollars in loans?
It IS YOUR hood RIGHT?
SO that does mean YOU own it!?
Or are you just renting the street while its convenient?
So what job experience did you put down on your loan app?
(..to give the white man plausible reason to cover ya back)
Umm hustling from dusk till dawn?
Slangin that crack?
But yet I still don’t see your name on a street sign or a good fica score!
Oh! But yea I forgot it’s YOUR hood though!
Just cuz your gang’s name is spray painted on every other wall and door?
How can you claim the block is yours when you can’t afford, or better yet, you don’t even own the place you living in? Let alone the car you drivin.
Dude, everybody knows them 20’s is rented.
I see you got the incognito thang going on, hella pretending.
What you think you gonna lose by at least getting some minimal education?
And by minimal, I mean at least get ya GED crackin
Droppin outta school in the 10th grade is only gonna get you in out the pin and eventually locked up for 5 to 10..
Ha the devil is a bitch…keep this nonsense up he’s gonna eventually lock the score in and get that major win!

TBC